Why Me?

I guess everyone who’s ran into tough times like having cancer would be asking the question “Why me?”

I am a church volunteer, I teach kids, contribute to the missions, forgave my brothers and tried to obey the Lord as much as I can.  I might have some faults, but others have been exhibiting worse behavior and they are happy and healthy.  Cancer does not run in my immediate family, esp. breast cancer.  In the last few years prior to my having this cancer, I was subscribing to a naturopathic doctor who was a former Dept of Health Secretary.  I have reduced the amount of meat I eat, increased my vegetable and fruits intake.  So why this?  Almost every night I examined my past actions like what I did wrong or is there a promise to the Lord that I did not keep?  Was I mean or selfish?  But what I know in the previous year following the discovery of the disease, I was under terrible stress and I was so scared I‘d get cancer because I was so afraid of something but I can’t help it.  It was also the time my niece and nephew who live with me are going to get married one year apart and I thought I’d be left alone in my house. I was feeling so hopeless, sometimes I hear myself saying “I wish I were dead.”  Maybe the Lord gave me my wish.  Lord, I didn’t mean it.  I still have a dream to fulfill, I wanted to travel more, play with my grandnephews and nieces, and be more active in church.  Lord, I didn’t mean it.