I wonder how I was able to finish all of my regular 8 chemos esp. the last , when I always doubt that I’ll endure the 8 days after chemo. ( The 8th day after chemo is when there is somewhat a semblance of taste of the food in my mouth, fatigue is much less, and the constipation-diarrhea symphony is over).
Now, on my 5th day after chemo, I’ve tried to cook food, what seemed to me I can tolerate, only to be disappointed when I tried to eat. I’ve been up almost all night simply bec. there’s no need to sleep as every once in a while during the day, I seek my bed as I couldn’t sit up for as much as one hour without the feeling of fatigue engulfing me.
Now I understand what Father L said then during his chemo days, that he feels like losing his sanity. He had it tougher as he was on the chemo pump for 3 straight days and was confined in the hospital every time he had to go for it. Yes, I know how it feels to almost lose your sanity. Yes, every after chemo, I wanted to scream bec. I’m hungry but I could not eat the delicious food available to me; bec, I could not sleep well every night after the 3rd day; bec. I cannot go out and mingle with the crowd bec. of the lowered immune system; bec. I hate wearing the nose mask everywhere; bec. I am bored with staying at home and watching TV and doing the same home routine; bec. I could not buy the things I wanted to buy as there are impending expenses and worse of all, I do not know what lies ahead.
So I salute the human spirit and the fortitude I may have developed because when I was called upon to endure, I endured. When I thought I couldn’t last one chemo cycle, I endured 8 tough ones. I endured… the needles, the long hours at the chemo room and the wig during summer.