The title should have been battling depression, but I heard a psychologist say not to use the term “depression” lightly.
Lately, I have observed myself lacking the enthusiasm to do the things I used to love to do. Even with the visits of the 6-year old son of my niece, I found myself numb when I used to be delighted at his visits. Could also be because he is coming over just to watch war equipment and vehicles on YouTube on my laptop as he is not allowed to do so at home. We used to play badminton or “pick-up-the-sticks” , or checkers before I hand over my cellphone or laptop, but now, he gets into tantrums when I delay as he is now tired of those games.
It is also maybe because of my running animosity with my niece’s maid because of her display of disrespect. Because of this, I also feel resentment against my niece for not reprimanding her maid just because she is afraid to lose her and because she treats her like a friend. Who cares for an ageing aunt?
Well, of course the Pandemic takes the cake for me feeling this way, as it was the cause of the death of my sister and her husband who I was thinking of living with should the need arise for me to be with somebody. Instead, I am living near a niece who has shown no compassion for the elderly. The Pandemic has also limited my movement and activities and has restricted me to stay home most of the time. And even with the vaccines, it looks like it is here to stay with all the emerging variants that are more infectious.
Everyday, I read about friends or their relatives dying from Covid on Facebook, I fear for myself and loved ones.
It is a no-brainer why I feel this way, and I must do something to battle this. The saints said one must find somebody worse off than yourself and help to forget one’s problems. Well, there’s the chapel caretaker, who is living a hand-to-mouth existence. But sometimes, it is kind of tiring – as I try to help with his underweight child, another one is on the way. He has become so dependent on me, he just handed me a list of things the ob-gyne told him to prepare for the birth of his child.
A friend who is separated from her husband and has a child supporting her found a boyfriend from a dating app and has advised me to do likewise to battle loneliness. She found one more than 20 years younger than her. But I am no longer interested to get into relationships especially with younger men. And men my age usually are medical cases.
And so, the sadness persists, especially when I think that I cannot rely on my niece to take care of me when the need arises, and the people who would, have passed away or are too far from me.